For the Days of Doubt

Hello hello friends! It’s been quite the long-time-no-see situation here (awkward laugh..awkward laugh). I’ve been working on a few DIY projects recently, but in the midst of school and the storm of life that I’ve been walking through, I haven’t found the time nor the motivation to upload them to the blog. So my sincerest apologies for the LONG hiatus, but I hope this next post finds you in good will. Keep an eye out for the up and coming DIY project, I think you’ll love it.

I’ve been walking through quite the season of life friends. I like to joke around and say that my life is a ‘cosmic joke’…and that God is up there laughing at me sometimes. In light of that, I do not lose the realization that people walk through battles MUCH harder than I do. And yet, losing this tendency to compare the weight of our situations, I am still able to see God working through the seemingly small things.

One of my favorite things about attending a Christian university, is the constant opportunity to have meaningful conversations. Today, I was feeling especially discouraged by some of the feelings I’ve faced. This season has held a lot of questions for me about my identity. There’ve been times where I ‘ve felt alone, worthless, unwanted, temporary, used, stained by sin, and a screw-up. (WOW that’s a lot…) Over a meal with friends, I was reminded to remember where my place stood. At the Lord’s table, I am not sitting at the head. I am the daughter not the father…meaning that my role in that meal is not to prepare it, but to gratefully consume it. Trying to be perfect–to hold on too tightly to my own plans and desires–means that I loosen my grip on my trust in the Lord. “What would happen,” one friend asked, “if you were to loosen that grip. To open your hand and let the Lord take hold of whatever you’re waiting for?”

In light of that conversation, the passage I opened up to today caught me by it’s surprising (although not surprising cause, you know, God is literally GOD) relevance. Mark 4: 35-41. The passage about rough waters. (Ironically the girl who loves the sea is continually led to passages about it…check out my last post;) ) But back to our topic.. the passage:

On the same day, when evening had come, He said to them, “Let us cross over to the other side.” Now when they had left the multitude, they took Him along in the boat as he was. And a great windstorm arose, and the waters beat into the boat, so that it was already filling. But he was in the stern, asleep on a pillow. And they awoke Him and said to Him, “Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?” Then He arose and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Peace, be still!” And the wind ceased and there was a great calm. But He said to them, “Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith?” And they feared exceedingly, and said to one another, “Who can this be, that even the wind and the sea obey Him!”

(Mark 4:35-41 NKJV)

“Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?” Wow. That hit hard. Translation… Teacher do You not care about us? Why aren’t you doing anything? We know how WE want you to fix the situation, so why haven’t you done it? We don’t like where we’re at, you seem to be doing nothing about it, so that must mean you don’t care about us…Right?

Wrong. How many times in my feelings of inadequacy and aloneness, have I jumped to conclude that He didn’t care as much about me? That He only saw my sin? That I was somehow less loved, less cared for–that God is not who He says He is? I am the men in that boat. The men who held on too tightly to a plan that wasn’t being executed the way they wanted it to be. And God’s response to me today?

“Why are you so fearful”…. (Why don’t you trust that I have it under control?)…”How is it that you have no faith”…(How do you not see that I love you, that I will keep this boat afloat, not you?) I don’t know the end story of the game, but right now I do no my next play. To stay in the boat despite the waves. To look to the teacher when I feel overwhelmed and seasick by the rocking. To remember that He is the one behind the wind. The wind that is blowing us toward our destination…

~Megan

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